Every marriage has conflict. Two people with different families, habits, hopes and fears will disagree. The presence of conflict is not the problem. The problem is conflict that is never resolved, that hardens into silence, sarcasm or distance.
"Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath." (Ephesians 4:26, KJV)
Paul does not say we will never be angry. He says anger must not lead us into sin, and it must not be allowed to settle in overnight. Unresolved anger becomes resentment, and resentment slowly poisons love.
A path from anger to peace
1. Pause before you speak
When emotions run high, it is wise to take a short break. Say, "I am too upset to talk well right now. Can we come back to this in thirty minutes?" Use the time to pray and calm down, not to rehearse your case.
2. Attack the problem, not the person
"We keep running out of money before the end of the month" is a problem you can solve together. "You are irresponsible" is an attack. Keep the focus on the issue in front of you.
3. Own your part
Even if you believe your spouse is mostly wrong, look for your part. A raised voice, a hurtful word, a promise not kept. Saying "I was wrong to speak to you like that" often opens the door for your spouse to own their part too.
4. Ask for and give forgiveness
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32, KJV)
Forgiveness is a decision before it is a feeling. It means letting go of the right to punish. It does not mean that serious wrongs, such as abuse, should be ignored. If you or your children are unsafe, seek help from a pastor, a counsellor or the authorities.
5. Agree on a next step
Many conflicts return because nothing changes. Before you finish, agree on one concrete step: who will do what, by when. Then thank each other for working it through.
What about "not letting the sun go down"?
Some issues cannot be fully solved in one evening. You can still make peace before you sleep: "We have not finished this, but I love you, and we will keep working on it together." That simple sentence keeps anger from setting up home in your marriage.
A step for this week
Think of one unresolved hurt in your marriage. Pray about it, then choose a calm moment to talk, using the five steps above.
Further reading
- Are You Always Irritated at Your Spouse?, Thriving Marriages
- Forgiveness in the Bible: How Letting Go Heals, The Biblical Nutritionist
